I came to the academic understanding of God through a class called Reality of God taught by Dr. David Woodyard at Denison University. This was my first introduction to developing a public theology. The intention of the class was to explore Feminist, Black, and Ecological metaphors of God and imagine how those metaphors impacted our view world and the social realm. If you ever want to see a bunch of white, wealthy fraternity boys get their pants all jacked up, have them read James Cone's God of the Oppressed and witness the fear of losing white racial privilege. In the class I consciously witnessed for the first how the social construction of gender and race impact how we see God (and how we want to view God in order to hold on to the power created by gender and race). I can only imagine the amount of shit taken by Barbara, Margee, and others who invited new, contemporary images of God into the church at a time when God the Father was the only image that mattered and sustained patriarchal, ecclesiastical power.



Metaphorical theology helps us grasp something of God as well as explore ways to speak about God. It lets us express in different times and places the relationship of ourselves to the Holy. What is a real-time way to imagine the relationship between God and the Earth? Sallie McFague, in my tattered and nearly broken binder copy of Models of God: Theology for an Ecological, Nuclear Age asks, "how can we understand the resurrection in a way that emphasizes the destabilizing, inclusive, nonhierarchical vision of God? What is....an imaginative vision of the relationship between God and the world that underscores their interdependence and mutuality, empowering a sensibility of care and responsibility toward all life...."

Metaphorical theology.....Ten Years of Connections.....the women on my list are image driven, empowerd by many things, including a relationship with God that is based on mutuality and responsiblity to the Whole of the Earth. Images and metaphors have impacted their love and justice in action. So I loved that in back-to-back interviews with Margee and Louise, they both invoked the Phoenix Rising as one image that expresses their beliefs and experience of their own lives within the context of faith. Not only does Margee connect with this image as a way of speaking about her life, but her former retreat center in Western Maryland was named, "Phoenix Rising."

As I work through this 10 year project, I want to take a step back at times and notice the patterns emerging. The Phoenix Rising.....from the brokenness we have come, to healing we shall return. From the personal heartache we have experienced to the political power we will embrace. We have, and will continue to be, remade. This is a key element to this project for me--how have I been remade? How will I continue to be remade as life unfolds? What stories will be reminders, portals of remaking, that I need to hear in order to make sure I live into the rising process when needed?

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I re-discovered Adrienne Rich's The Dream of a Common Language and thought her first poem spoke to the Phoenix Rising:

"Power" (1974)

Living in the earth-deposits of our history

Today a backhoe divulged out of a crumbling flank of earth
one bottle amber perfect a hundred-year old
cure for fever or melancholy a tonic
for living on this earth in the winters of this climate

Today I was reading about Marie Curie:
she must have known she suffered from radiation sickness
her body bombarded for years by the element
she had purified
It seems she denied to the end
the source of the cataracts on her eyes
the cracked and suppurating skin of her finger-ends
till she could no long hold a test-tube or a pencil

She died a famous woman denying
her wounds
denying
her wounds came from the same source as her power

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Neither Margee and Louise (along with Barbara) have denied their wounds. In fact Margee and Louise's excavation work of their wounds is one reason I am drawn to their stories and is a source of connection. The Phoenix Rising reflects how Margee and Louise experience their wounds as coming from the same source as their power. As Margee writes below, "each rising has created in me more strength for the next phase." Louise writes, "The phoenix is all about strength, beauty, and possibility coming directly from reduction to ash."

I asked Margee and Louise to say a bit more about their connection to this image of the Phoenix Rising. Below are their email responses, shedding more light on how this image is integrated into their stories.

Louise and the Phoenix Rising:

I started thinking about the gorgeous phoenix deeply because I was reading "Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow" by Elizabeth Lesser. My friend Carolyn, a fellow Tai Sophia student, gave me this book in January as I was post-surgeries and awaiting radiation. I found it very moving to read stories of other transformations via pain, and knew that I was in the midst of what Lesser terms "The Phoenix Process."

The phoenix is all about strength, beauty, and possibility coming directly from reduction to ash. That resonated with me to the core. The term "Phoenix Process" was new, but the feeling was not. There have been several difficult but ultimately exhilarating periods of transition in my life. Each one did break open the pieces of my constructed existence, and challenge me to move to deeper spiritual ground.

I decided that my 30 poems written during cancer treatment, on the way to becoming some sort of book for someone, would reference this process. My working title is "Phoenix Rising: The Jeweled Tear." This refers to both the gorgeous bird coming up out of ash, and the almost mystical way that letting go in tears, all the way to ash, creates new beauty.

This actual journal of poetry I have been writing in was given to me by my partner Regina, and has a sequined design on it in a large tear drop shape. My friend Karen, also from Tai Sophia, saw it and called it a jeweled tear, so the second half of the title comes from her. The blank book itself was originally given by Regina to her mother Rosie. Rosie was undergoing treatment for ovarian cancer at that time, and died in September, 2006. She didn't write in this journal (although she did in another), so Regina gave it to me when I received my cancer diagnosis in November, 2008. I blessed it, asked that I might fill it, and so I have.

Last but not least, there is a phenomenal phoenix in the Harry Potter series, belonging to the great wizard Dumbledore. The bird lives in his mysterious office at the Hogwarts School for Wizards, and is depicted beautifully in one or more of the movies. That striking visual has stayed with me as I travel the path of being broken open, once again.

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Margee and the Phoenix Rising:

What did my interview with Margee Iddings help me realize?

Ecclesiastes 9 reveals that, "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. ¹⁰For if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help.....A threefold cord is not quickly broken."

In my reflections from my interview with Margee, my mind came back to this text, especially the last line, "a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Throughout Margee's interview, as she shared names of those who pushed and encouraged her to take next steps in life and ministry, my mind was full of the memories of those who challenged and encouraged me along the way. Life in the church wasn't a logical step for me so, along with my personality and gender reality, I needed all the encouragement to take my own steps to take on the Jesuit Volunteer Corps, Union and ordination. I am part of many and have realized that my only way to be human is to have other reflect their humanity back at me. Depth. I need it. I need myself (that's one cord), another (the second cord), and the Holy (the third cord). At certain moments, at particular times, I have been bound by depth of relationship and strong encouragement. Because I am the relational type, I need to share a short list of those who have been part of my cord (this is where I get to write about the men in my life):

• David Woodyard: my theological mentor from Denison University. I took "Reality of God" with Dr. Woodyard and it rocked my word in the best of ways. This was my first exposure to Liberation, Black, and Feminist Theology. Woodyard's encouragement came from his looks--strong, silent and loving. Woodyard told me, through his eyes, that I have what it takes for Union and there is no other seminaryo out there for me.
  
• One of my holy roomates from Denison, Sara Roman: When my parents literally told me, "you are not doing the Jesuit Volunteer Corps. How will you live? You aren't doing it," Sara told me, "You are doing it. You are just going to do it." That was all I needed to hear.
• Eduard Loring of the Open Door Community in Atlanta, Georgia: Eduard told me I needed to lose my life to find it and step away from a life of priviledge and embrace the life of faith. Extracting myself from my bouregois life was painful (I have three years of therapy in NYC to prove the pain) but Eduard was persistent in helping me deconstruct and contruct a life outside the bounds of bouregois-ness.
• Adam Clark, hallmate in Hastings Hall, 7th Floor, Union. After a devastating phone call with my dad that left me feeling like life was caving in, I somehow managed to make it out of my dorm room and head to the 7th floor kitchen. There was Adam making dinner and I was sniffing away the tears. Adam calmly said, "Ash, what's wrong?" I spilled my guts to Adam and I've always felt that was an emotional turning point for me. Dr. Liberation Theology (that's Adam) pulled out all the pastoral skills and listened with holy-like ears. I forged ahead.
• Larry Rasmussen, professor of ethics at Union. Larry was my thesis advisor at Union as I focused on incarcerated women and moral agency. My field ed at Union was visiting women at Riker's Island, the NYC jail, and Bedford Hills, the maximum security prison for women in NY state. I submitted my first chapter for review to Larry and he gave me the most amazing feedback, telling me if I kept up the work I could get distinction on my thesis. I was over the top. It was Fat Tuesday. I celebrated by pouring Larry a beer from the keg that was in James Chapel that night. I ended up getting distinction on my thesis.
  
• Bobby. My husband. Every time I turn into some type of emotional hurricane, Bobby reminds me that "we will figure this out. That's what we do. That's our story."
  

I have been broken at many moments, wondering what's next. But these three fold cords (along with the women in this blog) shore me up so I'm not broken. These people have called forth something within me that created space to heal, be empowered, and step forward.

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At the end of my conversation with Margee, we created pictures/collages that represented our time together.

To the left is the table where our conversation took place. To the right, our pictures.

Margee picked the tree picture b/c it's an image of a mature tree, putting down roots and greeting the dawn. Margee said she is waiting for her "dawn," yet acknowleding her rootedness in each new day. The picture to the right has a road, showing she is still unfolding; knowing and growing on the road. The other words represent nothing stopping her from making her voice heard, she is still working on a vision for the future (herself, Pilgrims, the Church). The forget-me-nots represent Margee's wondering, "will anyone remember me when I'm gone?"

My picture is of a quilt, showing the threads and connections I felt between Barbara and Margee. I also have the words "you can do this" and "undercurrent." Undercurrent represents Union and other experiences taking me to the undercurrent of the Church, the Church of the lowly as the Apostle Paul would call it. I also have "I hate superficiality." Barbara made this statement. Margee longs for depth in relationships. I seek depths from the inside out.

I close with this poem by Stephanie Kaza in Woman Prayers: Prayer by Women from Throughout History and Around the World. Margee bought me this book.

Let go of the place that holds,
Let go of the place that flinches,
Let go of the place that controls,
Let go of the place that fears.
Just let the ground support me.
Listen, the wind is breathing in the trees.
Sensing the edge of soft and hard,
I follow the unseen path.
Walking in the dark night,
I practice faith,
Building confidence in the unknown,
Walking in the dark night,
I practice courage,
accepting the vastness
of what I cannot see.

I met with Margee Iddings on March 31st at her house in Alexandria, Virginia. I met Margee a couple of years ago as I was preparing for Jeff's three month sabbatical period. As Jeff was taking on global adventures, Pilgrims wanted to have a sabbatical period that involved growth and exploration. I directed myself to Margee who is known throughout the world for creative and imaginative liturigcal ideas. Margee walked with me through the three month sabbatical, helping me expand Pilgrim's experience with ritual, liturgy, and living into our thematic structure of "Connections and Clarity." Since the sabbatical time, Margee has become a Parish Associate at Pilgrims plus remains my spiritual director.

This is how I would sum up my relationship with Margee: Margee + Ashley=energy+creativity+support+encouragement+trust=depth. Depth is defined as, " a part that is far from the outside or surface; profound or intense state; the quality of being deep; the degree of intensity; the quality of being profound (as in insight) or full (as of knowledge); the quality or state of being complete or thorough." My relationship with Margee is one that takes me to my depths--another characteristic of the other women I will eventually interview. As Margee has challenged and pushed me to explore the boundaries of worship and liturgical ritual, I am taken to a part of me that is far from the outside or surface of myself. As I drove away from my interview with Barbara Gerlach, I had this intense awareness of my surroundings. As I drove away from Margee's house, my face literally was tingly hot; to me, signifying the flood of memories coming back to me from other experiences of being taken to my own depth while offered love and support.

Like Barbara Gerlach, Margee graduated from Union Theological Seminary in NYC. As Margee described her experience at Union, I heard my own story. Margee went to Union not really having a clear sense of why or how she would use her Masters of Religious Education and Sacred Music degree. While Margee was at Union, she was challenged by the liberation theology presented to her yet soaking it all up like a sponge. I, too, went to Union without a clear vision or call but I knew I had to go. I, too, was challenged by the liberating theology oozing out of Union but embraced it as normative and vital.

Like Barbara Gerlach, Margee has been part of a women's consciousness raising group (nicknamed the Burp Group) that has been a place of support, advocacy and polticizing choices and decisions made within the church. So with Margee I have this powerful force for creative, liturgical expression in my life along with a fierce advocate for a Church that embraces and lives by a radical nature. By radical nature, I mean those who identify as followers of the Way need to get up, move along, and take political risks for the sake of Jesus.

Near the end of our interview, I asked Margee about a symbol that would represent her life right now. She said, "a crone's crown." Margee has a croning ceremony when she was 50 and sees her call right now as a wise woman sprinkling encouragement to those along the way. A crone's crown usually has a potpourri of herbs on top so I'd like to picture Margee sprinkling lavendar on me--that's my favorite herb like flower. It's so smelly good. While we were talking, we both used some Model Magic to make images, kind of like doddling with clay. Margee made an image of her crown. I made a bowl with a music note to represent Margee's love of music, a circle for her crown and a "u" for Union.

I have about 40 minutes of my interview with Margee below. The interview goes something like this:

Margee shares her first steppingstone--experience of playing the organ in churches, starting in the fourth grade. (the clanking in the beginning of the recording is me putting butter on my muffin. That goes away. I'm also working on sound quality).

7:00--Margee shares about going to Wilson College
9:45--Union Theological Seminary and experiences in NYC
18:00--Margee's steppingstone on getting a D.Min at San Francisco Theological Seminary
23:00--Margee fires her D.Min advisor! Gets connected to Elisabeth Fiorenza.
25:00--Margee's relationship with Nelle Morton
26:00--Margee's' relationship with Beverly Harrison
28:00--cost of Margee's radical nature in her life
30:00--the joy of Margee's radical nature
32:00--radical nature of the church & the image of God
35:00--Christian community, sacraments, and being named

Listen here: